When I first came to the knowledge that the Lord Jesus
Christ defines marriage permanence, I must admit I was not prepared to understand
the scope of this revelation. In many ways, I am still unprepared to understand
the immense division which separates those who believe scripture points to
marriage permanence, and those who do not. For a great part of my adulthood, I believed
that divorce and remarriage were acceptable since a great majority of the
congregations taught that it was “ok” to divorce and remarry for certain
instances.Must one be cautious with the division of this topic and how this
divide relates to fellowship and the acceptance of opposing views?
Of the four stances, marriage permanence calls all
remarriages (A remarriage is an unlawful marriage to another while one has a
living covenant spouse from divorce) adulterous relationships which must be
repented of. This equates to calling all who remain in remarriages as those who
remain in the sin of adultery. This is understanding that a believer must not
fellowship with an unrepentant sinner. Thus, I believe that I cannot and will
not fellowship with anyone who believes he or she can remain in adultery and
not call their remarriage adultery. Is this correct?
Unfortunately, there are very few churches or gatherings of
believers who stand for the permanence of marriage, thus I have personally not fellowshipped
with a body of Christ for nearly two years. I have attended churches on Sunday,
and have gathered for corporate worship, but I have not fellowshipped with any
of these churches since they all believe that “remarriage” is acceptable in
certain circumstances.
Then I hear the preacher on the radio or the blog pots on
the internet that tells me that a Christian should not forgo the gathering of
saints and that one is not truly in Christ if they do not fellowship with
others. They often use Hebrews 10:25 to make their point. Yet, I would argue
that “church membership” and the caste system of "clergy vs laity" is not even
remotely related to the body of Christ. I guess Paul and the other disciples were
not true Christians if they were in prison, unable to fellowship with other
saints?
Please understand that I believe it is very important to
fellowship and break bread with each other. I believe it is essential to gather
together to exhort, encourage, and confess our sins to one another. I am not
anti-fellowship. I am anti-churchianity, and that is what I am trying to convey
here. On a personal level, I believe that I am in a sort of prison
based on what I believe about my own experiences with churchianity, and what I now
believe about marriage. When I first came to Christ, I was new in my faith and reading
of the Bible. I could not get enough of this book that was once gathering dust, and was now a daily occurrence for me. I was hungry for the word
of God, and during my first few years I became very active in the congregation where I came
to know the Lord.
It was during these times that I began to notice discrepancies in the actions of the leadership as these pertain to the word of God. I would not say that I overgrew my faith at this church, but
rather came to discern the “vision” of the leadership of this church. What I
began to see was a growing understanding of the early church and the deviations
from this early church were evident in the church of which I was a member. What
was even more enlightening was my membership preceded my understanding of the
Gospel and my new life in Christ.
I only came to the Lord “after” the traumatic experience of believing
my eighteen years of marriage was coming to an end and not during my first few
years in membership. I was a passive member before this experience, and I was
an active member after this experience. What is significant with this is that
rarely was the Gospel presented in what I would call this “purpose-driven
church”, thus it became clear to me that the vision of the leadership was not
in rightly handling the word of God, but to ensure its own survival.
This Purpose
Driven church system works to the advantage of any one man. Thus, a Senior
Pastor can all but control who
will lead the various teams (ministries) under his guidance. He also
incorporates a “vision” and anyone not focused on this vison of the “ordained”
Senior Pastor is considered an opposition of God. Once you change and control
the leadership to your specifications, it is easy to manipulate and control the
vision. Often the leadership will “use” new believers as candidates for
positions in the various church teams. This was my case for sure. I was a new
believer and I had a testimony that would strengthen and give credence to the
system. The leadership “handpicked" me because I was new in my faith and I was
more impressionable in my vulnerability. However, once I started to mature in
my faith and read the word of God through the promptings of the Holy Spirit, I
started to see the deception.
What became clear over the following years was this church
of which I was a member was slowly pushing for me to fade out. I eventually asked for a private meeting with the Senior Pastor, and after asking specific questions, and hearing the answers to these questions, it became clear that this congregation was "his" congregation, and not the Lord Jesus Christ's church. After this meeting, I began to notice that I was passed over in key moments in every ministry team that included the Senior Pastor.
I knew my days were numbered. This was due to
my own convictions of marriage and my constant questioning of church practices,
in particular, the practices of the church leadership and their inability to
rightly handle the word of God. The latter was my sole reason for leaving, and
my resignation letter was accepted without a single leader or member begging me
to stay. It was a very sad time for me. What was I to do, remain passive when I felt there was real issues that needed answering? I truly care for the people in this congregation, and I felt it was my duty to exhort the leadership. I know that they took this as being divisive because I was not adhering to the "vision".
Pastors love to use Hebrews 13:17, but always seem to pass over 1 Peter 5:2,3. There is a fine line of "lording over" and "preaching sound doctrine" (Titus 1:9) My choices were to remain and be a voice of truth, which would be viewed as dissension by the leadership, or leave. I chose the later... There is much more to be told on this, as there were other clear problems that concerned others, and I was not the only one to leave at this time.
It is important to note that during my time in this congregation I became very active in
a divorce recovery ministry (DivorceCare-more on this here) and made it clear
to everyone that I would never pursue divorce, believing that God would restore
what I thought to be a lawful marriage. I believed, and I
made it very clear to all the brothers and sisters close to me that I would
remain single the rest of my life, or until the marriage was reconciled. I
explained to her, and her adulterous lover that they were in sin and they both
must repent. I truly believe today that God can restore any prodigal spouse if
we remain in Him.
I did not realize the
significance of this conviction until after I resigned my membership and left
this congregation for good. It became
apparent that my testimony for marriage permanence rubbed many the wrong way,
and that this was understandable since many heavy "tithers" in this congregation
were divorced and remarried. I believe that my testimony of marriage permanence, as far as I understood at the time, was another factor in the subtle ways they sought to remove me from the congregation.Yet, there was one last veil over my
eyes that had to be removed. It was my realization that I was not in a lawful
“In the Lord”, marriage to begin with, but a “remarriage”, an unlawful
marriage.
Even though I was no longer a
member at this church, I still kept in contact with many of the brothers and
sisters. Things changed drastically when I told them that I was never married,
and that scripture has convinced me that my marriage was not a marriage in the Lord
and that I was in an adulterous union. One by one, they began to “unfriend” me
on social media. This “unfriending elevated when I began to write on marriage permanence
and exposing remarriage adultery.
About this time I approached one
of the leaders and told him my complete
testimony and told him to read my blog for marriage permanence. I also asked him if I could present my testimony to the congregation, and said that my previous attempts to contact the Senior Pastor were ignored. His response was
that I was “hardhearted” and he refused to read a book I offered for him to
read. (Dan Jennings book Except for Fornication) I was deeply hurt by his remarks,
but I understood his position and how this position was foundational to his
vocation and him keeping his job. I have since broke ties with anyone from that
church.
Perhaps the deepest hurt and misunderstanding
came from those in the men’s group. Their response to my testimony was that I
should “remarry” if what I believe about marriage is true. What they failed to
understand or rather, choose to ignore, is the implications of what this means to the many they all know and
fellowship with. As stated, there are many in this congregation who are in
remarriages, and at the time of my departure, two of the leaders were in
adulterous remarriages. I was hoping for support from these brothers in the
Lord in exposing the lies that evangelicals teach and believe on marriage,
divorce and remarriage, instead the group was disbanded, and I believe it was
directly from a result of my testimony and a desire to remove a dissenter from
the group.
I since have been away from this
church for nearly four years. In the last four years I have warned many in that
church to repent. It is in the last two years that I have come to see a much
greater danger in the church that was ever present for many years. When I first
laid eyes on another man’s wife, I never considered the road I was on. Now I
know that I had no business even thinking that I could date a married woman let
alone believe I could marry one.
When we
stand before the Lord, what will He say of us? I think about this often. Have I
loved others like He loved me? Did I give up all I have to serve Him? Did I
represent Him or was I in it for myself?
A few months ago I was in discussion
with a man who remarried after a divorce. He is a Christian and he believes
that remarriage is acceptable in “certain” circumstances. We exchanged several
messages and it was obvious that he had his view, and I had mine. We were not
on the same page with marriage.
We were both
determined that our view of scripture was the right view. Yet, he wrote
something that was nothing more than a classic “ad hominem” response. After reading my testimony he wrote this…
“As I read your story, I wondered if you may have come to your overly strict view of divorce and remarriage due to your own circumstances?”
This question is a
direct assault to my person and has nothing to do with him defending his
remarrying after divorce. Otherwise, I could respond…
"As I read your excuses on why you remarried, I wonder if your shallow view on marriage, divorce and remarriage is due to your own circumstances?”
We all have circumstances that decide our actions, yet our actions will have dire consequences if these actions do not align with the truth of God’s word. God gives us His word for what He believes is best to make us
into the image of His Son. In this word is the transforming power of the
Gospel. The Gospel is all we need. If we believe that there is another way to
reconciling to the Father, then we have to believe in another god, another
Jesus and another Gospel. This must also be true with marriage. We would like
to think that marriage is God’s intention for us, rather than marriage being as that no man may put asunder.
I must believe
that marriage is of extreme importance to God. If it is of lesser importance
then what I believe it to be, I had no right to leave fellowship with the divorced
and remarried Christians. But if marriage is as I believe God says it is, do I
have an obligation to speak up about this blindness that has infiltrated the
church, and am I not obligated to remain in fellowship with people who remain
in, and embrace their sin?
I must say that
there are many who remain in their covenant of marriage despite the actions of their
adulterous spouse, despite the actions of pastors and leaders who embrace
divorce and remarriage, and despite an evangelical world (Bloggers, authors, ministries,
mega-ministries and publications) that embraces divorce and remarriage. I have
compassion for these “standers”, and I pray for the restoration of the souls of
their prodigal spouses. I understand their pain and I understand their loneliness.
My case is similar, but not so similar.
I am a man
who believed marrying a divorced woman was a marriage because some pastor said so. I was in this adulterous
union for 18 years, believing this union was not adulterous. I have a child
from this union. I was then “divorced” from this union believing this union was
lawful. I believed for almost five years that I would remain faithful to the
vow I made in this union, only to come to realize that it was altogether
unlawful from the beginning. I have experienced all three levels of marriage
truth, and it has left me on the outside of almost every evangelical circle
imaginable.
How do you
explain to a pastor that you are “divorced” from an unlawful marriage? I have.
How
do you explain to your child that his parents were never married? I have.
How
do you explain to those who fellowshipped for a good part of five years that
their “remarriage” is adultery, and to repent from this adultery is to divorce
from this remarriage? I have.
How do you tell your family that your marriage was
unlawful? I have.
How do I tell a divorced woman that I was not really married,
and that my divorce was a divorce from remarriage adultery, and that I would
never consider dating her? I have.
How do you then tell this woman that should
she remarry, she would be committing adultery against her husband? I have.
How do you tell a man that you are terribly
sorry for dating his wife while she was not yet divorced, and then remarrying
his wife? I have.
Will you warn someone if what they believe is false? I have.
I wish I never
had to write this blog, but I must write this blog. I must tell people the
truth because if I do not, I will be responsible for not telling them the
truth. Whether you agree or disagree with what I firmly believe scripture says
about marriage, divorce and remarriage is is a very important decision. Also, what will you say to a person that disagrees with what you believe.? Will you correct them?
Answer these questions:
Would you accept me in your fellowship if you disagree with my position that all unrepentant adulterers (All combinations of remarriages after a divorce of a living covenant spouse) remain under the wrath of God?
Based on
your answer, the next question is this:
Should I consider you a brother or sister in the Lord if you believe that a believer can remain in this remarriage and not call this adultery?
Based on my
past experiences, it would be very hard for a divorced and remarried person to “like”
me, let alone fellowship with me. The compassion I have for their souls does
not sit well with their own contentment to remain in their sin. It is best that
I am ‘unfriended” and ignored, as in “out of sight, out of mind”. Yet, this
does wear on my soul…
On the other
hand, I am called to rebuke, warn, exhort with long-suffering, but never am I
called to fellowship with unrepentant sinners. I am called to deliver
such a one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be
saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. (1 Cor 5) Knowing when “enough is
enough” is to know that we cannot save anyone. At some point I must stop “blogging”
for marriage permanence and leave it in the Lord’s hands…some would wish this was the day.
In conclusion,
I cannot sometimes understand why it has all come to this. Why was this put in my lap? Then again, why did I not listen to God and His word after reading Luke 16:18, instead of listening to a pastor who said, "I will marry you, but you must promise to never divorce."
Yet, God’s word does
say that a man will reap what he sows. The consequences of my sin do not go away, they just magnify my need for a Savior and truly show His mercy and grace. I understand that God does His best
work through those who humble themselves before Him. This is the ministry that I was appointed. I can say that I have
experienced the many possibilities surrounding marriage, divorce and
remarriage, and I have cried more times in the last nine years than I did in
the first forty-two years of my life. I was prepared for this knowing that this life is but a vapor compared to eternity.
All I ever ask is
that you consider this eternal view of scripture as it pertains to marriage and consider the many who remain in covenant,
loving their spouses, trusting in the Lord, and remaining in Him even when the
whole world will not. If you believe that we are extreme with
believing the permanence of marriage, just remember that Christ was very extreme when He gave all He had
to free you from both sin and death. If this remaining in covenant is a representation
of the Gospel, what does this have to say about divorce?
Finally, If
you truly agree that marriage is one man and one woman for life, what are you doing
about it?
In Christ’s
love,
Neil
