Matthew 5:43-48 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
It never fails.
Nearly every time I or others in the permanence of marriage
movement bring up the truth that a “remarriage” after a divorce of a covenant
marriage is an adulterous union which requires repentance, there comes certain
questions as it pertains to abuse. As if there are loopholes which give a spouse
freedom to divorce and remarry after cases of abuse. Those loopholes are
nonexistent.
I want to be clear from the beginning.
Abuse of any kind is sin. I or others who believe that the
Lord taught the permanence of marriage would never condone abuse of any kind. I
believe abuse can be handled just like we handle any other sin, and that abuse
is never a loophole to divorce unless you prove to be hardhearted and wish to
remain single the rest of your life.
After reading this post on dealing with the sin of abuse, I
hope that you come away with wisdom to understand the significance of marriage
and how this union is always to be an example of the Christ’s love for His
church. I understand there are many scenarios of abuse which are not simply
related to physical abuse. But I believe it is necessary to use physical abuse
as an example for this post.
The scenario is much like this:
An abused person
reads a post from someone who supports the permanence of marriage and concludes
that he or she is going to Hell because they divorced this abuser and remarried
another person. The thought is that this person is justified in divorcing from
the abuser to remarry another. They even may have been taught to believe that
the Bible offers a loophole for the “innocent” spouse of abuse. In most cases,
the verses of the Lord Jesus Christ and Paul, are what drives a person to
conclude that God would not want a spouse to remain in an abusive marriage. One
such case is 1 Cor 7:10 and 11…
I Corinthians 7:10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
I Corinthians 7:10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
These verses
clearly state that a wife is not to depart from the husband. These verses do
not say, “Let not the wife depart from her husband unless she is abused”…It
most certainly does not say, “Let not the husband put away his wife, unless she
is an abuser.” In fact, none of these verses permit loopholes for any sin,
including “sexual immorality”.
Before we go on
with the context of the “abuse” issue, I believe it is clear to note that any unrepentant
sin is a danger to marriage; let alone a danger to individual lives. We can
insert any sin in the category of “abuse”, including adultery, and appear to
make a case for divorce. The common thought is that there are loopholes to
divorce and remarry.
I believe it is
important to break down a question about abuse with the intent to show the
heart behind the question. It is also important to understand the definition of
marriage and why someone gets married in the first place. It is also important
to understand sin and how we deal with sin as it pertains to repenting of sin,
forgiving sin, and reconciling after sin. And last, but certainly not least, we
must put the power of the Holy Spirit in to the equation and how the Lord Jesus
Christ gives a believer that capacity to be like Him even in the worse of
scenarios.
Scenario: A woman responds to the thought that marriage is one man and one woman for life and that ANY remarriage after a divorce of a covenant one-flesh marriage is adultery which requires repentance. This repentance includes ending the adulterous union and either remaining single until death or until the covenant spouse dies, or reconciling the covenant marriage. I will use fictitious names.
Jill: “You mean to tell me that I am going to hell because I divorced my husband (Jack) and married another man (Bill) after my husband constantly abused me? He never repented even after our church excommunicated him after every step of church discipline (Mt 18:15-17). He is now remarried to another woman (Sue).
Since we do not know the complete truth of
Jill’s marriage to Jack, it is very possible that this may be Jane’s second
marriage. For the sake of this post we
will assume that Jill and Jack were in a one-flesh covenant marriage.
The reason Jill responded is because she read 1 Cor 7:10,11. Jill believes that she is
justified in divorcing an unrepentant man. She also believes she is justified
in remarrying another man. Ironically, Bill was a member from her church. He
was never married before so this is his “first” marriage. She also assumes that since her congregation
recognized her husband’s inability to repent, it gave her a green light to
divorce and remarry this other man. In fact, the very same Pastor who
solemnized the vows of her first marriage is the same man who solemnized the
vows of her second marriage.
The first
question I have is why would Jill respond to the idea that it is not adultery
to divorce and remarry while your covenant spouse is still alive? Mark’s
account speaks to the woman who divorces her husband. This would include a
woman like Jill.
Mark 10:6-12 (The Lord Jesus Christ speaking to the Pharisees) But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
If Jill felt justified in divorcing and
remarrying, why would she need to respond to the absurdity of believing her
marriage can only end in death? The truth is the word of God cuts to the heart. (Heb 4:12)
The choice to divorce and remarry are heart issues and not grounded in the word
of God. The moment that the word of God called Jill and adulterer, she wanted
to pin all this on Jack’s sin….of which she believes is worthy of Hell.
These
questions come from the flesh and not from the spirit whenever someone
compares their situation and it does not line up with the word of God, A woman who believes
that marriage is a fulfillment to appease the flesh has no real understanding of
marriage in this life, much less understand that this life is a door to
eternity. If marriage was for our pleasure alone, then we have no business
getting married to begin with. Marriage AND singleness are about representing
the Gospel and glorifying the Lord. (1 Cor 10:31)
“You mean to tell me that I am going to hell because I divorced my husband (Jack) and married another man (Bill) after my husband constantly abused me?”
A major part of
the problem lies in Jill’s understanding of sin and that we are all sinners
until we put our faith and trust in the Lord, repent of our sin, and follow
Him. The thought this woman has is that an “abuser” will always be an abuser,
and that there is no chance Jack will repent. Yes, there was church discipline in this case,
and the unrepentant abuser was excommunicated from the church. But the church
discipline was not for the purpose of bringing this man to repentance if he
simply went away after the divorce to remarry another woman.
The very act of
divorce by his wife, and by the church leaders of this congregation was a sign
to Jack that his wife would NEVER forgive him, and not only freed him to remain
in his sin, it also compounded his sin since he entered into adultery with Sue.
If Jack does one day repent and come to a saving knowledge of Christ, he will
see the consequences of his sin and though he should not have guilt and shame
for what he did, he will have regret for the sins he has done.
I would compare
this to a woman who aborted a child, who later realized she murdered her child
to appease her flesh. The pain of realizing that this was murder can only come
through the knowledge that murder is sin. The remedy for this sin and pain is
the Lord Jesus Christ. Just as Jack may feel the consequences and regrets of
his abuse toward Jill, in the same way a woman feels the regret for murdering
her child.
The Lord Jesus
Christ takes away the guilt and shame because He is the once and all remedy for
that sin. If we believe this, we can be healed and then mightily used by God.
In most cases, an aborting mother goes in to ministries that are like her experiences,
such as caring for woman seeking abortion. In Jack’s case, many of these
abusers minister on the sin of abuse and the remedy through the Lord Jesus
Christ.
The question is
what does Jill do? Does she forgive Jack, or has she already exposed her heart
for Jack by her actions of divorce? Is there really a person alive who does not
deserve the Gospel? Per Jill, men like Jack are deserving of Hell, and she
wants to see him go there. Her divorce from him is a true indication of her
heart to him. This is considerable contrast to Christ calling us to love our
enemies, even if that enemy is a spouse.
Concerning Jack’s
abuse…Why he is not in jail is a question on whether Jill loved Jack enough to
make him accountable to his sins. Jail is the place for abusers, and I personally
believe that there should be extreme sentencing for convicted abuse. At the
same time, there should be equally extreme sentencing for those who falsely
accuse another of abuse. Abuse should never happen, and if it happens one time,
it should be the last time. I would also question the congregation she attends.
If this man was a vile as he is painted to be and Jill was constantly abused,
why didn’t the leaders of the congregation press charges against this man?
Do not mistake
me. I am not giving a loophole that frees a person to divorce after abuse,
because scripture allows none, I am simply stating that sin of this nature must
be held accountable. The penalty of such abuse should be swift and unflinching
for the sole purpose of bringing such sinner to repentance. The consequences
may be considerable time behind bars, but there should also be considerable
support for victims of abuse. There should also be a victim who understands the
sin behind the abuse and the willingness to love the sinner by remaining true
to the marriage vow so that when there is repentance, there is forgiveness,
there is reconciliation, and there is restoration.
“He never repented even after our church excommunicated him after every step of church discipline (Mt 18:15-17).”
“Jack never
repented” does not equate to “Jack will never repent”. The moment we believe that
there is no hope for a soul is the moment we make a god in our image. The God
of the Bible is a God of promises, a God of mercy, a God of grace, a God of
love and he is patient that none should perish.(2 Peter 3:9) When we accept the gift of Christ, we put on Christ, we become like
Christ increasingly over time. In our own capacity we do not have the mercy and
grace of God, but in Christ, we have more than the capacity to love others,
even our spouse, when they certainly do not deserve that love.
The Gospel has
power when the Holy Spirit works in us to love others with Christ like love. No
greater stories of love have more of an impact than restoration of marriage
stories. Perhaps it is because marriage is a reflection of Christ’s love for
His bride, the church. If Jill would have loved Jack as Christ loves us, she
would have sent away to jail. She would have remained true to her vow, and
loved him even when he was serving his sentence. And she would be waiting there
to forgive him after he repented.
Divorce of this
nature is vindictive, and bitter. Jill cannot show the love of Christ in a
divorce. She certainly cannot show the love of Christ if she believes Jack is
no longer capable of repenting of his sin to restore the marriage. In fact,
Jill has “murdered” Jack by her thoughts since she believes that she could
divorce AND marry another.
The truth is that
no matter what congregation or “tenets of faith” tell us that a one-flesh covenant
marriage can end in a divorce, a one-flesh covenant marriage can only end in
death. If your spouse is breathing and is alive, he or she will be your spouse
until one of you, or both of you pass into eternity. Do not believe the lies that
divorce is as it was before the death and resurrection of Christ. Divorce is a
heart issue, a hard heart issue.
He is now remarried to another woman (Sue).
No. Both Jill and
Bill are in an adulterous union, and Jack and Sue are in an adulterous union
all because Jill and Jack did not remain true to their vows, and because a clergyman
believed that “exception clauses” are applicable to New Testament saints. Jill
is sadly mistaken to believe that her second vows to Bill were solemnized
before the Lord because some minister said they were. Bill should have read his
own bible where it says that a man is not to marry a divorced woman as this is
adultery. Sue should have considered that marrying a man with a covenant wife
is adultery.
Perhaps the most tragic
of errors comes from those who profess to preach and teach sound doctrine by believing
that divorce can end what God hath joined in Heaven. Clergy have provided the
lies to hearts who believe there are loopholes in place long before they say “I
do.” In fact, marriage has been downgraded into a contract when the authors ofthe Westminster Confession of Faith penned the position that divorce and remarriage are acceptable in some cases. What is amazing that these “some cases”
have turned into “for any reason”, “same-sex marriage”, and “why even get
married”.
I also wanted to add something that I think should be addressed. I find it hard to believe that a woman would marry a man if they felt there was a chance that he was an angry and an abusive person. Often many enter marriage contrary to an understanding of what both the husband and wife must bring to the marriage. Eph 5:22-33 is the foundation, and there will be trouble unless both are willing to submit to the headship of Christ long before they make a covenant vow to each other.
In conclusion,
the richness of the Gospel and the idea that we are to love our enemies seems to
get lost in the idea that there are certain instances that allow for divorce. IF
it can be proven that any one-flesh covenant marriage can be restored because
one or both spouses allowed the power of the Holy Spirit to enter the heart and
mind to love as Christ loved us, then “exceptions” and “privileges” were never
really in context of the verses in which they apply.
I pray that the wisdom
of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirt would see the word of God in the context
that marriage is one man and one woman for life. The flesh will tell us
differently every single time. The enemy of the Lord, and the enemy of our
souls seeks to destroy marriage and all those associated in marriage; husband,
wife, and children. It is time the Church of The Jesus Christ stands strong for
the truth of marriage. Will you stand firm to the truth that marriage is one
man and one woman for life, and that the only exceptions come from hearts not
fully committed in the love of Christ? I pray you do.
1 Peter 3:1-9 Likewise,
ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not
the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of
the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But
let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not
corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in
the sight of God of great price.
For
after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in
God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even
as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as
long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Likewise,
ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto
the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the
grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:Not
rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise
blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a
blessing.
In Christ’s love,
Neil
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