Saturday, August 22, 2015

Exposing DivorceCare: Session Ten: “Single Sexuality”

Eph 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

This is part ten of a series of posts exposing the popular divorce recovery ministry of DivorceCare.
DivorceCare claims to be a Christ-centered support ministry established for people who have experienced or who about to experience divorce. They claim that their goal is to help find help for the hurts of divorce, discover hope for the future, and experience God’s blessing. The founder of DivorceCare, Steve Grissom, is a product of divorce and remarriage. He started DivorceCare based on his experience of divorce and the experience of healing from this divorce to remarry. He claims it was God’s calling to start this ministry.

In session ten, DivorceCare (DC) takes a good look at human sexuality. What is important to note is that DC does not title this session human sexuality, instead DC titles this session “Single Sexuality”. I will be honest, when I first attended DC as a participant, I was perplexed as to why this session was titled Single Sexuality. As a recovering addict of pornography, the only way I understood single sexuality was masturbation. I understood that this was all about idolatry and placing human sexuality into my personal fantasies through the thoughts of the mind, appeasing the flesh and not living in the spirit.

God’s word says that our bodies are to be living sacrifices and we are to renew our mind so that we can worship God…and this includes how we view and live out human sexuality and marriage.

Romans 12:1,2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Of course, after watching the session it became clear to me that DC was attempting to make a point that “single sexuality” is not an option, and that we are to be sexually pure apart from a marriage.  They attributed pornography as one area that was detrimental to God’s plan of sexual purity. I would wholeheartedly agree with this assessment, because I experienced the effects and consequences of pornography in my life. my testimony of marriage permanence. 

Whether DC adopted the wrong title or not, the only thing that matters is the content of what they are trying to teach is according to God’s will. I believe for the most part DC has set the record straight that human sexuality is only reserved for marriage and that we are to remain sexually pure individuals. The problem again is that DC believes that a divorce ends a marriage and that the temptations of sexual immorality are a result of being single again. Thus, DC believes that human sexuality is permitted in a “remarriage” after the divorce of a living covenant spouse. This is disastrous. 

DC breaks this session down in the workbook by defining sex.  In the “Why God created sex” section, DC believes that sex is a picture of commitment and unity. Yes, sex is a gift from God, and that human sexuality should never be “single sexuality”. Thus, DC makes it clear that sex is specific to marriage. The fact is, DC makes it clear that a “remarriage” is marriage and sex is “permitted” once a person “remarries” after divorce.

The next section deals with the How to avoid, and respond to, sexual temptation. Again, DC does offer great advice on how to avoid sexual temptation. As I wrote in the other posts of DC, much of what they offer is very good and very helpful. Yet, it is attached to believing that divorce can end a marriage. What you will notice is that most of what DC teaches is contrary to what they believe about divorce and remarriage. This becomes ever so clear in the last three video sessions…

The last part of this session deals with “Helpful advice on dating”. This is a problem. The thought is that “dating” is a way in which to find a partner. In fact, dating is a means in which to find someone to marry. The worldly cultures concept of dating is that one tests the waters in finding the perfect mate. DC makes it clear that “fornication” is a sin and that sexual activity outside a marriage is sinful. If a divorce does not end a marriage, is dating out of the question?

We live in sexually permissive society. Everywhere you turn, sex sells and the world is buying. The statistics of fornication is overwhelming and the recent episode would indicate that adultery is a high priority for married men. The sad fact is that fornication and adultery are so prevalent in the church that no one cares anymore. In fact, many evangelicals are silent on the recent glorification of homosexuality. Could it be because they have already capitulated on divorce and remarriage?

If marriage is not sacred and holy, then why get married at all? DC wants to make us believe that they care for the people of divorce…as we should. Yet, their solution only leads to more sin and death. Instead of telling people the truth, that our sufficiency and intimacy is found in the Lord Jesus Christ and not in another person, then DC will be able to understand that marriage is a lifetime commitment and that divorce is never an option. Then a person experiencing marriage troubles will have a foundation in Christ to REMAIN in covenant, even when their spouse will not.

DC does claim to point people to Jesus, I believe DC wants people to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and I believe that DC is confident that what they teach is the truth. However, if a person comes to saving faith of the Lord Jesus Christ of the Bible, that person will never believe ANYTHING has the power over the covenant of marriage. That person will thoroughly reject the Jesus of DivorceCare, the doctrine of DivorceCare, and they will expose the truth about DivorceCare.
I have personally sent several messages to DivorceCare warning that what they teach is not of Christ. I have contacted and corresponded with many of the “Experts” of this ministry, and have exhorted, rebuked and challenged that what they offer leads to death. As a former participant of DC, and a facilitator, I firmly believe that DC offers people to remain in sin and has people believing that God approves of their sin. 

Here is a factual story of what happened one evening during a post-DC fellowship gathering of divorced and separated people. It was my first DC group before I became a facilitator. The topic of human sexuality came up in one of our conversations. It just so happened that one of the guests was a Christian counselor. One of the people asked this counselor if masturbation was an option since their spouse has left. This woman counselor “did not have a problem” with masturbation and that it was not sinful. I objected immediately and said that masturbation is a thought in the mind that is in all aspects idolatry. Needless to say, I left that group and found out later that it was really a chance to “date” others of divorce…sad.

This was one reason that lead me to believe that what DC offered was not the truth. I must be clear that DC does object to using their ministry as a dating tool. Yet, this has happened all too often, and I have experienced this in just five years as a facilitator. DC cannot control what leaves the building. I am sure there are many stories of “remarriages” of DC participants, not unlike the many “remarriages” from so-called Christian dating sites.

I thought it necessary to mention the many “Christian” dating sites available to the divorced and single. Unlike the heinous Ashley Madison site, these dating sites offer the divorced a chance to find a new marriage in Christ…or so they are lead to believe. Like DC, these dating sites believe that a divorce ends a one-flesh covenant marriage. After my divorce from remarriage, I subscribed to the popular Christian Mingle (CM) site to see what they offered and what they believed.  It was also a chance to see where other “Christians” stood on marriage covenant.

What I was pleased to find is that there were men and woman who stood for the permanence of marriage. Unfortunately, these men and woman are the minority as many believe the lies that a divorce ends a one-flesh covenant of marriage. In retrospect, my account was suspended for claiming to be “single” when I was divorced. However, I made it clear to the powers that be at CM my divorce was from an adulterous union. They did not see it that way…

Lastly, many DC participants did not understand my stance as a facilitator of DC. In fact, every co-facilitator of DC did not understand my stance for marriage permanence...I made it perfectly clear that divorce does not end a marriage and that waiting on the Lord for the Holy Spirt to work on the unbelieving spouse is essential to a life in Christ. This "standing" for marriage was very unpopular idea becasue most participants have already made it up in their mind that their marriage was not worth saving. This thought makes God insignificant, this thought makes covenant marriage insignificant, and this thought is not the mindset in Christ. 
 In conclusion, DC makes it very clear that dating after divorce is “ok”, just as long as you wait to remarry to have sex. They erroneously believe that a covenant marriage can end in divorce when the Bible is clear that a marriage can only end in death. (Romans 7:2,3; 1 Cor 7:39) If DC is wrong, which the words of Christ prove them wrong, then DC is leading thousands and maybe millions into adultery. A marriage in the Lord is for any combination of single, previously unmarried, and widowed one man and one woman for life. All other unions are not only sexual impurity, they are sinful in the eyes of the Lord. 

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
In Christ’s love,


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