Exposing DivorceCare: Session Ten: “Single Sexuality”

Eph 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

This is part ten of a series of posts exposing the popular divorce recovery ministry of DivorceCare.

DivorceCare claims to be a Christ-centered support ministry established for people who have experienced or who about to experience divorce. They claim that their goal is to help find help for the hurts of divorce, discover hope for the future, and experience God’s blessing. The founder of DivorceCare, Steve Grissom, is a product of divorce and remarriage. He started DivorceCare based on his experience of divorce and the experience of healing from this divorce to remarry. He claims it was God’s calling to start this ministry.

In session ten, DivorceCare (DC) takes a good look at human sexuality. What is important to note is that DC does not title this session human sexuality, instead DC titles this session “Single Sexuality”. I will be honest, when I first attended DC as a participant, I was perplexed as to why this session was titled Single Sexuality. As a recovering addict of pornography, the only way I understood single sexuality was masturbation. I understood that this was all about idolatry and placing human sexuality into my personal fantasies through the thoughts of the mind, appeasing the flesh and not living in the spirit.

God’s word says that our bodies are to be living sacrifices and we are to renew our mind so that we can worship God…and this includes how we view and live out human sexuality and marriage.

Romans 12:1,2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Of course, after watching the session it became clear to me that DC was attempting to make a point that “single sexuality” is not an option, and that we are to be sexually pure apart from a marriage.  They attributed pornography as one area that was detrimental to God’s plan of sexual purity. I would wholeheartedly agree with this assessment, because I experienced the effects and consequences of pornography in my life. my testimony of marriage permanence. 

Whether DC adopted the wrong title or not, the only thing that matters is the content of what they are trying to teach is according to God’s will. I believe for the most part DC has set the record straight that human sexuality is only reserved for marriage and that we are to remain sexually pure individuals. The problem again is that DC believes that a divorce ends a marriage and that the temptations of sexual immorality are a result of being single again. Thus, DC believes that human sexuality is permitted in a “remarriage” after the divorce of a living covenant spouse. This is disastrous. 

DC breaks this session down in the workbook by defining sex.  In the “Why God created sex” section, DC believes that sex is a picture of commitment and unity. Yes, sex is a gift from God, and that human sexuality should never be “single sexuality”. Thus, DC makes it clear that sex is specific to marriage. The fact is, DC makes it clear that a “remarriage” is marriage and sex is “permitted” once a person “remarries” after divorce.

The next section deals with the How to avoid, and respond to, sexual temptation. Again, DC does offer great advice on how to avoid sexual temptation. As I wrote in the other posts of DC, much of what they offer is very good and very helpful. Yet, it is attached to believing that divorce can end a marriage. What you will notice is that most of what DC teaches is contrary to what they believe about divorce and remarriage. This becomes ever so clear in the last three video sessions…

The last part of this session deals with “Helpful advice on dating”. This is a problem. The thought is that “dating” is a way in which to find a partner. In fact, dating is a means in which to find someone to marry. The worldly cultures concept of dating is that one tests the waters in finding the perfect mate. DC makes it clear that “fornication” is a sin and that sexual activity outside a marriage is sinful. If a divorce does not end a marriage, is dating out of the question?

We live in sexually permissive society. Everywhere you turn, sex sells and the world is buying. The statistics of fornication is overwhelming and the recent AshleyMadison.com episode would indicate that adultery is a high priority for married men. The sad fact is that fornication and adultery are so prevalent in the church that no one cares anymore. In fact, many evangelicals are silent on the recent glorification of homosexuality. Could it be because they have already capitulated on divorce and remarriage?

If marriage is not sacred and holy, then why get married at all? DC wants to make us believe that they care for the people of divorce…as we should. Yet, their solution only leads to more sin and death. Instead of telling people the truth, that our sufficiency and intimacy is found in the Lord Jesus Christ and not in another person, then DC will be able to understand that marriage is a lifetime commitment and that divorce is never an option. Then a person experiencing marriage troubles will have a foundation in Christ to REMAIN in covenant, even when their spouse will not.

DC does claim to point people to Jesus, I believe DC wants people to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and I believe that DC is confident that what they teach is the truth. However, if a person comes to saving faith of the Lord Jesus Christ of the Bible, that person will never believe ANYTHING has the power over the covenant of marriage. That person will thoroughly reject the Jesus of DivorceCare, the doctrine of DivorceCare, and they will expose the truth about DivorceCare.

I have personally sent several messages to DivorceCare warning that what they teach is not of Christ. I have contacted and corresponded with many of the “Experts” of this ministry, and have exhorted, rebuked and challenged that what they offer leads to death. As a former participant of DC, and a facilitator, I firmly believe that DC offers people to remain in sin and has people believing that God approves of their sin. 

Here is a factual story of what happened one evening during a post-DC fellowship gathering of divorced and separated people. It was my first DC group before I became a facilitator. The topic of human sexuality came up in one of our conversations. It just so happened that one of the guests was a Christian counselor. One of the people asked this counselor if masturbation was an option since their spouse has left. This woman counselor “did not have a problem” with masturbation and that it was not sinful. I objected immediately and said that masturbation is a thought in the mind that is in all aspects idolatry. Needless to say, I left that group and found out later that it was really a chance to “date” others of divorce…sad.

This was one reason that lead me to believe that what DC offered was not the truth. I must be clear that DC does object to using their ministry as a dating tool. Yet, this has happened all too often, and I have experienced this in just five years as a facilitator. DC cannot control what leaves the building. I am sure there are many stories of “remarriages” of DC participants, not unlike the many “remarriages” from so-called Christian dating sites.

I thought it necessary to mention the many “Christian” dating sites available to the divorced and single. Unlike the heinous Ashley Madison site, these dating sites offer the divorced a chance to find a new marriage in Christ…or so they are lead to believe. Like DC, these dating sites believe that a divorce ends a one-flesh covenant marriage. After my divorce from remarriage, I subscribed to the popular Christian Mingle (CM) site to see what they offered and what they believed.  It was also a chance to see where other “Christians” stood on marriage covenant.

What I was pleased to find is that there were men and woman who stood for the permanence of marriage. Unfortunately, these men and woman are the minority as many believe the lies that a divorce ends a one-flesh covenant of marriage. In retrospect, my account was suspended for claiming to be “single” when I was divorced. However, I made it clear to the powers that be at CM my divorce was from an adulterous union. They did not see it that way…

Lastly, many DC participants did not understand my stance as a facilitator of DC. In fact, every co-facilitator of DC did not understand my stance for marriage permanence...I made it perfectly clear that divorce does not end a marriage and that waiting on the Lord for the Holy Spirt to work on the unbelieving spouse is essential to a life in Christ. This "standing" for marriage was very unpopular idea becasue most participants have already made it up in their mind that their marriage was not worth saving. This thought makes God insignificant, this thought makes covenant marriage insignificant, and this thought is not the mindset in Christ. 

 In conclusion, DC makes it very clear that dating after divorce is “ok”, just as long as you wait to remarry to have sex. They erroneously believe that a covenant marriage can end in divorce when the Bible is clear that a marriage can only end in death. (Romans 7:2,3; 1 Cor 7:39) If DC is wrong, which the words of Christ prove them wrong, then DC is leading thousands and maybe millions into adultery. A marriage in the Lord is for any combination of single, previously unmarried, and widowed one man and one woman for life. All other unions are not only sexual impurity, they are sinful in the eyes of the Lord. 

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Exposing DivorceCare-Forgiveness and Reconciliation

In Christ’s love,

Neil

Exposing DivorceCare: Session Nine: KidCare

Eph 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

This is part nine of a series of posts exposing the popular divorce recovery ministry of DivorceCare.

DivorceCare claims to be a Christ-centered support ministry established for people who have experienced or who about to experience divorce. They claim that their goal is to help find help for the hurts of divorce, discover hope for the future, and experience God’s blessing. The founder of DivorceCare, Steve Grissom, is a product of divorce and remarriage. He started DivorceCare based on his experience of divorce and the experience of healing from this divorce to remarry. He claims it was God’s calling to start this ministry.

Scripture points to marriage as a one-flesh covenant between one man and one woman for life. So often see excuses from remarried couples concerning children of remarriages. Their overall argument is that God would not want to separate what He has joined together, as if a remarriage is a covenant marriage. When explaining that scripture calls these remarriages adultery unions, you immediately get questions, first about the “burden” remaining in singleness and then questions concerning children. You get questions like this: 

• You mean that God would want me to divorce from my remarriage?
• You mean that I have to remain single the rest of my life?
• You mean that God would want our children to have their parents living apart from each other?

In the book of Ezra, the prophet Ezra called for Israel to repent of the taking of foreign wives.

Ezra 9:1-3 Now when these things were done, the princes came to me, saying, The people of Israel, and the priests, and the Levites, have not separated themselves from the people of the lands, doing according to their abominations, even of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites.For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass. And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.

So the people of Israel repented of this sin.

Ezra 10:And Shechaniah the son of Jehiel, one of the sons of Elam, answered and said unto Ezra, We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law.

Many of these unlawful marriages involved children. 

Ezra 10:44 All these had taken strange wives: and some of them had wives by whom they had children.

Israel was commanded by God not to take foreign wives, and the result was repentance by putting away these wives and the children of these unlawful marriages. This was the law of marriage in the time of Ezra. The law of marriage today is found in Matthew and Mark’s account. This law of marriage is as it was from the beginning. This law leaves no room for divorce and remarriage among covenant marriages, and any “remarriage” after divorce is adultery, and not a marriage. 

Matthew 19:4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,⁵ And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? ⁶ Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Mark 10:6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. ⁷ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;⁸ And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. ⁹ What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

So when someone says, “You mean that God would want me to divorce from my remarriage?”

The answer is that a “remarriage” can never be a marriage. If it is not a marriage, it is adultery to remain in this unholy union.

So when someone says, “You mean that I have to remain single the rest of my life?’

You exited adultery remarriage and remaining single or restoring your covenant marriage is the only options God gives you.  There is no confusion in this. There is considerable confusion when exception clauses and Pauline privileges are erroneously taught in the church. A Review on "A Sermon on Divorce andRemarriage.", Divorce in the case of abandonment?…1 Cor 7:15 , Divorce is notsanctioned by the church

So when someone says, “You mean that God would want our children to have their parents living apart from each other?”

Did you take into account that your “remarriage” was not a marriage in the first place? What is the difference between divorcing from a covenant marriage and divorcing from a “remarriage”?

In this KidCare (KC) session, DivorceCare (DC) offers what they believe to be sound advice for dealing with children of divorce. I thought it was necessary to make a correlation with DC and KC. The word “care” is significant in their titles. If DC cared about children, they would do whatever is in their power to defend the covenant of marriage and not make the child believe that divorce is ever an option. 

People will say that they have a “right” to divorce. Often they will stress that this is the best for the children. However, you will not find any biblical evidence that divorce is an option for the sake of the children. A child has no say in the matter. In fact, many spouses do not a have a say in the matter concerning divorce. The unilateral divorce laws have made it very easy for one spouse to divorce, AND take full custody of the children.  

I liken divorce and remarriage to an abortion because both are based on human desire and not a life in Christ. A woman has sexual intercourse with a man knowing full well that sexual intercourse produces life. However, her ambitions, lifestyle, or whatever you want to call it (I will call it idols), forbids her to have a child. She believes that it is her body and that she can do what she seems right in her eyes. She aborts the baby in favor of her idols. The child has no say in the matter. The child is sacrificed for the sake of the mother’s idols. 

Divorce is no different than abortion. A man or woman has come to the conclusion that marriage is not God’s institution. Thus, he or she believes that God is unable to do His part in whatever the situation to those who remain obedient to the covenant. This man or woman has turned over marriage to the institution of man, and now believe that divorce is the best option. What is the desire?

The desire is to have a marriage that seems right in their own eyes. They want a spouse who fits their idea, and not God’s. They have turned marriage into an idol. The children of such divorce and remarriage has no say in the matter. Maybe they have expressed the idea that mommy and daddy should stop arguing and love each other. Maybe they can express their love to each parent, but the fact is that mommy and daddy will not reconcile, cannot reconcile…The children are sacrificed for the sake of idols. They will get over it…or will they?

The fact is many children do not “get over it” and many children of divorce go on to get married and divorce themselves. Again, DC does a great job of showing the viewer the "pains" that children experience in divorce, they yet again come up short on the solution. DC fails to show the viewer that the devastating cost of divorce on children does not stop there. Often there are consequences of remarriages, child care, and blended families. 

DC offers this ninth session to parents of divorce, and they offer a complete ministry to children of divorce. Their KidCare (KC) program often coincides with the DC program. They begin with a paragraph that is not only contradictory, it is based on the idea that a divorce ends a marriage. 

“WE ARE FIERCELY PROTECTIVE OF OUR KIDS and want what’s best for them.” ~ DC workbook page 81

The best for children is a stable marriage where both parents strive to live in a life of Christ. Their sole purpose is to raise their children to become responsible God-fearing adults. This includes telling them the truth about their eternal condition in Christ. A child needs a Savior, and this is best represented in parents who remain in covenant under the headship of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Divorce is never an example of the Gospel and it is one of the worse things that can happen to a child. DC make it vitally clear that children of divorce get “lost in the shuffle”. They offer an extended list of what the children think and how the mistakes parents make when experiencing the process of divorce. DC make it perfectly clear by their own admission that divorce is a horrible experience for both the parents and the children. Yet, they fail to deliver a concise and suitable solution. 

DC’s believes that helping your child includes spending time with and listen to your kids. The fact is most children want their parents to reconcile. Unfortunately, some family court cases do not allow one, or in extreme cases, both parents to have custody of their children. I understand that there are severe cases where a child needs to be protected such as in the case of abuse, but this does not take away the fact that a child loves their parent. It just takes in to consideration that repentance of sin needs to take place so that there is reconciliation.

DC makes it necessary for the viewer and the participant to believe that a divorce ends a marriage. This is fatal to the children. If we understand that a divorce cannot end a marriage, what would that information be to a child of marriage? Better yet, what would be the response of the parents?

The solution is very simple. Divorce is the result of one or both spouses failing to repent, forgive, and reconcile. A spouse in marriage has sinned. This spouse must repent of sin. If the spouse will not repent, both spouse MUST remain unmarried until there is reconciliation or death. When and if the spouse repents, the other spouse is to forgive so that there is reconciliation. This is what a child needs to see in marriage. This is what the church needs to establish in marriage. This process is the foundation of the Gospel.

Continually patching the walls of house with a crumbling foundation is not going to solve the problem. Recognizing the problem is first considering that the foundation is the problem. Once you correct the problem of the foundation, the stability of the structure will remain strong. DC and KC are ministries that do not recognize, and ignore, the foundation of the problem as they deal with the surface of the problem.

The foundation of marriage is a lifetime commitment where grace and truth are represented in two who become one flesh. Yes, there will be problems, yet the solution is the Lord Jesus Christ. Children need to experience the love of Christ in parents committed to glorifying God, and not to individuals bowing before idols. Marriage by definition is both spouse giving up their rights, their very lives, for the glory of Christ. 

In conclusion, DC needs to reevaluate their foundation. They have embraced a foundation that is crumbling and is exacerbated by the rise of sexual perversity and idolatry of same-sex marriage. However, I believe it is clear that God is not idle in all this. The foundation is crumbling so much so that many are seeing the clear hypocrisy of those who cry against same-sex marriage when they have entered their second and third marriages. The time is now to repent of adultery remarriage and embrace the spirit of Ezra…for the sake of a nation, the sake of the family, and for the sake of the children. 

Exposing DivorceCare-Single Sexuality

In Christ’s love,

Neil