The Dad & Stepdad Defiance

Eph 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I Recently wrote a 2-part post concerning the idea of blended-families. The Misplaced Humility of Blended Families and Blended Family Couples Are Not Covenant Family Couples. 

These posts included a transcript from Focus on the Family. The two-day guest for these transcripts was Ron Deal, the president of FamilyLife Blended. Ron loves to tell us how God blesses “remarriages” and often he will use examples of blended families to make his point. My posts were written as to expose the false premises behind the idea of society accepting “selective” humility when it comes to “remarriages” after a divorce of a covenant spouse. The word of God says that marriage is one man and one woman for life.(Gen 2:24, Mt 19:4-6; Mk 10:6-9, 1 Cor 7:39) 

Back in September of last year, you may recall a viral video of a man who stunned everyone by grabbing the hand of his daughter’s step-dad so that they could walk “their” daughter down the aisle. I did respond to this on several social media sites, but I never got around to posting the hypocrisy of this video. That is about to change…though a day late and a dollar short...well, several months late and billions of dollars tied up in the family court system "short"...

It stands to mention that standerinfamilycourt had an excellent and biblically accurate response to this video, and many like this including the viral “An open Letter to My Daughter’s Stepmom”. I too responded to the stepmom letter with “A response to an open letter to my daughter’s stepmom”. It is worth mentioning that this post is the most viewed of my 100+ posts to date. I also had to respond to several comments defending the actions of the woman of this letter. 

I had almost forgotten the “two dads down the aisle video” until it surfaced again in a recent twitter post from Ron Deal. Please listen to this short “take” on Ron’s view of this video through his "The Dad and Stepdad Alliance" post:

 “What happens when a dad and stepdad team up? Kid’s win-that’s what happens.”

Ron tells us what happened that day and how everyone was crying (I was crying too, but not because it was a "feel good" story), and then he ends this with…

"Now that kind of selflessness is how you bless a child, (pause) and change a nation.”

I think it is eternally important to get a firm grasp on this video and view it from an eternal perspective, and not from a temporal perspective. I like what standerinfamilycourt had to say about today’s “feel good nation.” 

“In our culture, and even in our CHURCH culture, the highest good is the “feel good”,  as though this life on earth was all there is…”

As believers, we are not called to seek “happiness”, we are called to seek holiness. The first time I saw this video it made me sick. I could understand the reason it went viral; the same way I can understand how a nation has thumbed its nose at God’s design of marriage. The world thought this man was showing ultimate humility by grabbing the arm of his daughter’s stepdad, when in actuality he was exposing where we have gone with defining marriage, families, and the Gospel.

I have decided to break this whole viral video scenario down with using what God says about marriage, divorce, families, and the Gospel. When I use the word “dad” as it pertains to the video, I am talking about the man who grabbed the arm of the step-dad.

In this video we see it is filmed at a wedding ceremony. We have to make a conclusion that the dad in this video was either married and divorced from his daughter’s mom, or he fornicated with his daughter’s mom and they birthed the daughter out of wedlock. We also have to conclude that the “step-dad” in this video is married, or remarried to the daughter’s mom. The fact is that this man was previously married, and this marriage ended in a divorce that included the family court system. This information came from a post that quotes:

"If only all divorced parents could be so selfless when it comes to their children's weddings."

What about: If only all married couples could be selfless when it come's to their own vow they made to each other so that they can leave a legacy for their children? 

Selective "selflessness" is very popular today when it is so easy to throw truth out the window.

Since this prior relationship was a covenant marriage, we can conclude there was a divorce that divided the dad from his daughter’s mom, and this woman “remarried” the step-dad.

Ron Deal’s ministry caters to “remarried” couples and “blended” families.  This video could be used for all cases of “remarriage” to show the “humility” of the dad to the stepdad. Yet, scripture is clear that ALL remarriages after a divorce of a living covenant spouse are adulterous unions. (Mt 5:32,19:9; Mk 10:11,12; Lk 16:18; Ro 7:2-3; 1 Cor 7:10,11,39)  

We know that the dad in this video has accepted the fact that his marriage to his daughter’s mom ended in divorce, but scripture says otherwise. Also, a step-dad is not the father of a child because he is in an adulterous relationship with the dad’s wife. In a sense, the dad in this video is telling us by his actions that he affirms the remarriage of a man to his wife while he is still alive. This daughter has two dads, and her mom has two husbands. 

Ron Deal will tell you his ministry helps “remarried” couples and “blended” families to avoid “re-divorce.” Well I have to tell you mister Deal that God has already provided ample scripture to avoid “divorce” by remaining unmarried or reconcile the marriage. (1 Cor 7:10,11) But the world does not want to remain in covenant marriage, the world wants you to accept your “remarriage”, the world wants you to forgive divorce to remarry, even if they do not want to forgive to remain in a marriage.

The irony of this video is that it was filmed at a wedding ceremony. If the wedding ceremony was in the presence of the Lord, what makes you think that the daughter really has to keep her vows when her parents did not keep theirs? This leads us to the idea of blended families and what divorce and remarriage and ministries like FamilyLife Blended really teaches our children.

Pro-lifers will tell you that life begins at conception and that pro-choice of a mother abandons the choice of the child’s right to live. Agreed.

Divorce is aborting a child’s right to live with his or her parents. Unilateral divorce provides the right of one spouse to relinquish their vows to the other spouse regardless if that other spouse wants a divorce or not. A child has no choice whether the divorce was mutual or non-consensual. This video glorifies divorce and remarriage, and tells a child that mom and dad do not need to reconcile their differences because divorce and remarriage is just as a viable option. 

In fact, we should embrace the idea that a daughter could have multiple moms and multiple dads. What if this viral video showed the dad running into the crowd and grabbing his daughter’s first stepdad, second stepdad, and the third stepdad so all four of them can walk her down the aisle?  What’s the difference of the number of stepdads if we embrace the idea that a divorce and remarriage are acceptable? 

This video shows how far we have redefined marriage. Many are dumbed down to believe that marriage is anything but a committed relationship designed by God for His glory. If you cried when you saw this video, I hope those tears were for mourning a nation that has devalued marriage and not because it touched your heart. If you think this video was a representation of the Gospel, then you really do not know the Gospel.

 So how does the Gospel message fit in this viral video? Some will tell you that this dad's action is a perfect example of Christ’s love to us. Some will say that the forgiveness in this video is a life lessen to all of us. And Ron Deal will tell us that this video can “change a nation”. Unfortunately, the nation is already embracing divorce and remarriage, that is why this video went viral. This video tells us we do not have to remain in covenant marriage unless we find something better…

Did this dad show the love of Christ or was he causing more harm than good by grabbing the arm of his daughter’s stepdad? If we look at what the Lord Jesus taught about marriage, we would have to say this dad was "content" in believing that his marriage was over and that inviting his wife’s other husband to give away his daughter was exhibiting humility. The video was more about what pleases us then what pleases God.

If I told you that I forgave you for kidnapping my child and you kept the child, is there a foundation for forgiveness?  The idea of forgiveness is not remembering your actions of kidnapping my child after you return the child to me. There is no foundation of forgiveness if you or I do not think kidnapping is wrong. This is what takes place in the video. Applauding this actions in this video creates a “re-definition" of marriage, family, and the Gospel. If the Lord Jesus Christ forgave us of our sins and we continue to remain on sinning as if our sins are justifiable, how are we justified by the Lord? 

I am not surprised that this video went viral when there are thousands upon thousands of people justifying their adulterous remarriages. If this was just relegated to the world, it would not be an issue. But there are many professing Christians who loved this video and shared it to others. That is eternally damaging to their souls.

In conclusion, I pray that the Holy Spirit would open eyes and ears to the truth of marriage. I pray that hard hearts would soften. I pray that we would see videos that show a daughter’s estranged parents reconcile their marriage by honoring the vows they made to each before the living God. I pray that children would not follow the steps of their divorced and remarried parents, so that marriage becomes the second most important decision in their life apart from what they believe about the Lord Jesus Christ. I also pray that ministries such as FamilyLife and Focus on the Family would repent of what they teach about marriage, divorce and remarriage so that what they post will change a nation to the truth and not some "feel good story" that lacks grace and truth.

In Christ’s love,

Neil  

War Room: Praying for Marriage Permanence

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I have not really appreciated the effort from many “Christian” movies. I have a very clear understanding of the spiritual influences of the entertainment industry and how Hollywood has done more to discredit and deviate from the truth of God’s word than it has in telling the truth. These movies tend to water down the message and provide a surreal view of God. That is not to say that the Holy Spirit cannot work in these artistic dramas, because I know God can work through all things based on the fact that He created all things. But even though it can be draining to “correct” these artistic renditions, it is important to correct these movies for the sake of the Gospel.

That being said, I must say that the efforts by the Kendrick brothers lead more to the truth than most movies. War Room is the latest movie produced, written and directed by Alex and Stephen Kendrick and I would have to say that it was their best work so far. Perhaps the secret to this “success” is due more to the fact that the Kendrick brothers would never take credit for the content of the films. These two men would claim that God has worked to make these movies possible. They will both tell you that prayer is significant in making these movies work and War Room typifies their efforts.

If you ever buy the Blue Ray/DVD’s of these movies, you need to watch these movies with the commentary selected. The commentary “on” includes Alex and Stephen explaining the movie from a Christian perspective. You can find the commentary section in the special features portion of the menu. This commentary is very important as both Alex and Steven offer biblical truth to why they created these films. 

The reason I really loved War Room is the fact that a lot of what you see in the movie really does happen. I have seen marriages restored through the prayers of one spouse. I have seen God’s hand in marriages that seemed beyond all repair. Yes, even in the case of sexual immorality, adultery, or whatever your Bible "commentary" says in Matthew 19:9. All things are possible with God. Even though I listened to the commentary and was blessed by all the stories surrounding the making of the movie, I already had a clear understanding of how prayer works in the lives of God’s children. Prayer is an essential part of the Christian walk, and God is ready to be glorified through our prayer life. However, just like the movie accurately depicts, God is not ready to work in us until we have surrendered to Him.  

You may ask what does this movie have to do with marriage permanence?

This movie was mainly about the awesome power of prayer, yet the direct prayers in this movie were centered on relying on God in the midst of a struggling marriage. If you watched this movie with the hope that Elizabeth and Tony would get divorced, then you need to ask yourself if you are still in the faith. Maybe you watched this movie and were convicted by your own failed marriage. Perhaps your marriage is on the verge of divorce.

The fact is, everyone is directly or indirectly affected by divorce, and this movie makes it clear that restoration to God, and the restoration of marriage is centered in prayer. Divorce is not the option in this movie. Miss Clara makes it crystal clear that marriages are under attack in the spiritual realm and the pervading message in this movie is that marriage is one man and one woman for life.  Every one of the Kendrick films is centered around a marriage in the midst of turmoil, and every one of the movies centers around seeking answers of this turmoil through the Lord Jesus Christ.

"This marriage covenant gives God the glory. In other words, marriage is more about God’s plan then it is about our desires."

What is so special about War Room is that it places marriage ABOVE those in marriage. A husband and wife enter into a covenant that binds then together as one-flesh and this was God’s plan and desire from the beginning (Gen 2:24; Mt 19:4-6; Mk 10:6-9) This marriage covenant gives God the glory. In other words, marriage is more about God’s plan then it is about our desires. The wife (Elizabeth) in the movie surrenders to the Lord and seeks His will for herself and her marriage. She then through prayer, seeks to be the wife He has called her to be so that through her actions, Christ can make her husband (Tony) see His light shine through her.

 Certainly The Bible says we are to seek God with all our hearts, minds, strength, and soul. The Bible says if we seek the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. Well, if we are seeking to desire the Lord with all our heart, we get Him! This is where this movie goes. Prayer is for those who have the desire of the Lord.

One particular section of scripture expresses Elizabeth’s actions after she gave all she had (including Tony) to the Lord.

1 Peter 3:1-6 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

This scripture goes against what a woman really desires in her heart apart from Christ. Sin entered the world AFTER marriage and the desires of every woman is not to be in subjection of her husband, just as it is equally reluctant for a man to love his wife. Tony did not love his wife, and it was through his wife’s prayers and her transformation in the likeness of Christ that changed his heart.

The effects of sin have brought sorrow to the world and the first part of this movie shows the road which leads to divorce to those husbands and wives who live apart from Christ. Elizabeth was only adding fuel to the fire and she was falling into the hands of an enemy who seeks to devour and destroy. This road is centered on the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. This fall into sin leads to death.

But thank God through the Lord Jesus Christ that sin and death is forever defeated at the cross of Calvary. The temptations of the devil dissipate at the mention of the work of Christ. It was through the sins of man that God entered earth as a man and delivered us from our sins. The plan of salvation started in the beginning and was beautifully displayed through the birth, life, death, and resurrection of the Lord. If you really think about it, this salvation is not possible without the covenant of marriage.  

"Marriage was attacked from the beginning, and is continually attacked in every area of life today. This should not be a surprise as marriage by definition is a representation of the Gospel."

Spiritual warfare is evident in this movie as well. The enemy has successfully entered into the church, courts, and education system by dismantling the idea that marriage is anything other than one man and one woman for life. Marriage was attacked from the beginning, and is continually attacked in every area of life today. This should not be a surprise as marriage by definition is a representation of the Gospel. If the enemy can make marriage insignificant, he can destroy whole societies and cultures. This is happening in the United States today. Cohabitation and “one night stands” have precedence over committed monogamous relationships. Pornography is the glorification of fornication and adultery. Divorce and remarriage was once viewed with shame and is now celebrated and glorified. Abortion is “final solution” to those who choose to do what seems right in their own eyes based on their selfish sexual appetites.

The fact is that this debauchery leads to misery, enslavement, hopelessness, and death. The effects of fornication, adultery, abortion, divorce, and remarriage have cost the lives of millions. Sexual fulfillment outside of marriage has destroyed individual lives, marriages, families and societies. The truth is that many unbelievers are starting to see the effects of this debauchery. They are starting to ask questions, and when they see movies like War Room, they want to know more about this Jesus.

That is the wonderful thing about God. He is readily available to everyone if they would just acknowledge that apart from the finished work of Christ, they are far apart from Him. The Gospel is for all men, and a big part of salvation in Christ revolves around communicating to God that you are a sinner who needs saved. Prayer is talking to God, and this movie not only shows how we need to talk to God, it shows how God answers those prayers.

In conclusion, War Room was a great reminder to me that marriage is as God said it was from the beginning, one man and one woman for life. War Room also makes is very clear that prayer is essential to anyone seeking to do the will of God. Combine marriage and prayer, and it is clear to me that divorce is NEVER an option to those who are in Christ. In the commentary, both Alex and Steven also make this point very clear that they have provided a way for us to see hopeless marriages having hope again through the Lord Jesus Christ.

My prayer is that the Kendrick brothers would consider the truth that God has provided a means in which to save every covenant marriage and that the Lord would lay it on their heart to consider making a movie that there is no scripture that provides loopholes to divorce and remarry. I have no doubt that both these men have heard the call from the voices for repentance from divorce and remarriage. Marriage permanence makes sense from a Gospel standpoint, and War Room takes divorce and remarriage out of the equation.

The last and most difficult step is repentance from unlawful marriages, of which all remarriages after a divorce of a living covenant spouse are unlawful.  It is eternally dangerous to design a War Room to save your adulterous union and expecting God to save your adultery. The pains and trials you have in unlawful unions and blended-families is directly related to the Holy Spirit nudging you to repent from the adulterous union. If the Kendrick brothers seek to give glory to God, then it is imperative that they make it clear that War Room is for one-flesh covenant marriages and not unlawful marriages related to a divorce of a living covenant spouse. 

I am a biblical realist with a biblical worldview, and I understand there must first be a falling away for the Lord to return. Dear brothers and sisters, there is a “falling away” from biblical marriage in the church. Divorce and remarriage is predominant in the church as it is in the world. If this married redefinition (Divorce and remarriage HAS redefined marriage) is the first sign to the end of the age, then I pray that movies like War Room, Courageous, and Fireproof would turn many back to the biblical truths of the Gospel. If we can rightly understand the Gospel, then we can rightly understand that marriage is until death do us part. 

My request is that you join me as I continue to pray that the Lord moves hearts and minds to this truth so that God be glorified, and I will be the first to quote Miss. Clara: 

“You’ve done it again, Lord! You are good, and you are mighty, and you are merciful… You are Lord. … Raise up a generation that will take light into this world”

In Christ’s love,

Neil